College Application

      My name is Ethan T. Hiebert, but you probably already know that. Everyone knows that name. I brush my teeth with unicorn blood and shave my face with my feet. Contrary to popular belief, I am the fastest man alive. Lord Voldemort dare not say MY name. My father was a centaur and my mother was Aphrodite herself. I fought Gandhi just to see if he'd fight back. He didn't. I have battled in all 17 world wars (not all on this world). My dance moves are impeccable, my legs like butter and I have been holding my breathe for 15 years. I once drank the equivalent of a sea world orca tank in seawater. I'm immune to leprosy and am fluent in Icelandic sign language. MC Hammer can't touch this. I taught George Clooney how to look good, tutored Dr. Seuss in rhyming and trained Picasso how to make a mean fried egg sandwich. I've taken a trip  to Jurassic Park and left out of boredom. I breed goldfish, baboons and Morgan Freemans. Fine cashmere is weaved from my leg hair in the mountains of Tibet. I built the Death Star just so I could destroy it, twice. Indiana Jones was written about what I did last Tuesday. I accidentally created democracy, spontaneously built the pyramids and purposely introduced the Beatles. I am considered armed and dangerous even when asleep. Obama, Lady Gaga and Robo-Cop were all created from my DNA in my backyard laboratory. I have been the leader of the X-Men, the Justice League and my knitting club. The pope does my laundry and my interior decorating. You might be wondering if any of this is true. It is. Just ask my good friend Jesus. I am all that is good in the world and all that is evil. I am the morning, afternoon and night. I also am very skinny and can fit in small spaces. My name is Ethan, and you WILL accept me into your pathetic establishment or I will end you.
Sincerely,
Me